Have you ever tried to confront someone about their behavior, only to have the conversation go completely sideways? Confrontation can be awkward and uncomfortable for most people. But what if you had a clear script to follow? While confrontation will never be a breeze, having a structured approach makes it a lot easier. Let me share with you a four-step script that can help guide you through these tough conversations.
Step 1: Identify the Specific Behavior
The first step is to be crystal clear about what behavior you’re confronting. What are they doing, or not doing, that needs to change? It’s important to remember that an attitude is not a behavior. For example, if you feel that someone has a bad attitude at work, focus on the behaviors that make you think that. Do they roll their eyes during meetings? Are they constantly late? Do they stay silent in group discussions but then share their concerns afterward with others?
Instead of saying, “You have a bad attitude,” focus on the specific actions: “When you come in late, like you did this morning and last Friday…” And remember, we are talking specific behaviors which means avoid using words like “always” or “never.” Statements like “You’re always late” give them an opportunity to prove you wrong by pointing to that one time they were on time. This will derail the whole conversation.
Step 2: State the Effect it has on you or others
Once you’ve identified the behavior, the next step is to state the effect that their behavior is having on you, the team, or the situation. This helps them understand that their actions have consequences beyond themselves. For instance, “When you come in late like you did this morning, it affects the flow of the meeting and makes the rest of the team feel undervalued.” Now they know that their lateness isn’t just a minor annoyance, it’s impacting the whole team.
Step 3: Suggest a Solution
This is where most people drop the ball. When emotions are high, it’s easy to focus on the problem without offering a clear path forward. But this third step is all about solutions. What behavior do you want to see instead? Be specific. For example, “What I need is for you to be on time—no later than 9:00 a.m.—for every meeting from now on.” This gives the other person a clear expectation of how they can correct their behavior. Show them what success looks like.
Step 4: Validate and Reinforce
Finally, end by validating the person. Let them know why their presence or contribution matters. This can soften the confrontation and make them feel valued rather than attacked. For instance, “You’re a valuable part of our team, and your input is always appreciated in these meetings.”
However, if you’ve confronted them before and the behavior continues, this final step will need to change. Repeated behavior may call for a consequence rather than continued validation. Consult with your company’s guidelines on counseling or correcting behavior. You may eventually need to write them up or document the conversation depending on your policy manual.
Bonus: Use it in Your Personal Life Too
This script doesn’t just work in professional settings. It’s equally effective in personal relationships. Let’s say a friend has been using inappropriate language with you. You could say, “When you use that kind of language, it offends me and makes me tune out of what you’re saying. What I need is for you to avoid using that specific language when we’re talking because I really care about our friendship.”
Confrontation will never be completely stress-free, but following this four-part script can make it much more manageable. Give it a try next time you’re faced with an uncomfortable conversation. You may be surprised at how much easier it becomes!
Your Head Usher,
Marilyn
